In the Spring of 2011, I sat alone in my apartment binging on Netflix shows for weeks. I barely got out of bed. I only left when I had work or class and I hardly ever put any effort into maintaining my friendships.
I slept most hours of the day and went through more
rolls of toilet paper to wipe my tears than I can remember.
When I was out in public, I did my best to put on my pretty smile
and happy attitude so that nobody would know that I actually was far from okay.
After all, I had always been the happy, out going, active type of girl so
no one would ever assume that i was struggling.
But I was depressed. And planning to kill myself.
Even though I knew there were people in my life who loved me. Even though my parents have always provided for me and I have never wanted for anything. Even though I believe in God. Even though, for the most part I’ve had an easy, normal life. I still constantly felt worthless and not good enough because of the choices I had been making in relationships. Even though I had a good life, I always looked for love in the wrong places. I hated myself and the fact that I only felt wanted when I was providing physically for a man.
When I began to realize the severity of my situation, I started making small comments to my friends hoping someone would notice I wasn’t actually okay. One friend in particular began to walk with me through the struggle and invited me to work at a church camp with her that summer.
And that summer was a huge turning point in my life.
That summer I met people who loved me despite my failures in life and began to see God work in my life even in the midst of the most broken place I have ever been. It was at that camp I recognized that my actions didn’t define me and that I wasn’t a lost cause to Christ. And even though I wasn’t completely healed after that summer, I had found a way to rely on Christ which in all reality was what I was searching for all along, I just didn’t know it.
Just a disclaimer, I am alive and well these days and have many hopes and dreams to live a long happy life through Christ. There is hope at the end of my story. Hope that I plan to do my best to pass on to others going through the same situation. And I still every day have to wake up and chose to find my worth in Christ, but it is the best decision I and anyone else will ever make.
So feel free to share my story or ask me any questions about it.
And know that God can redeem any situation, no matter how hopeless it seems.