I never did drugs. I never struggled with alcohol use or abuse. I never broke the rules or rebelled against my parents. Instead, I spent my life people-pleasing and performing for approval or affirmation, fueled by a childhood fraught with abuse and lacking in fatherly affection. It’s a different kind of beast, but challenging and traumatic just the same.
I learned to adapt. I became anything and everything I could, shouldering far more than was healthy or appropriate, all in the hopes that I could prove I was worthy of love and attention. Having a wide variety of interests, I started racking up interesting experiences or unique skills, and I made sure to bring my social resume every time I met someone new. “Oh, you were a cheerleader in high school? That’s cool. I was a volunteer firefighter and martial arts World Champion. You need mittens for the winter? I’d love to make you some- knitting is my favorite thing to do.” And so it went.
I didn’t realize my behavior was not only unhealthy, but off-putting. Turns out people don’t like being one-upped. I was trying so hard to fit in, to show I was interesting, to force people to want to get to know me, that I was pushing them away. I was trying so hard to prove my value by my works that I was missing out on offering the best thing I had- who I am. And that’s what people want to get to know.
You see, I was convinced, based on my traumatic upbringing, that who I was at my core wasn’t enough. My dad never delighted in me, never approached me kindly, and definitely did not love me- in any way. That scars a young child. I learned that in order to get attention I had to not only be the best, but be the best in a public way. I took it too far.
The Lord started slowly convicting me of this by teaching me loneliness- allowing me to feel a lack of that which was what I most deeply desired in order to show me a higher way. He let me get down to the basest part of myself, the darkest part that I didn’t want to face, and loved me there. I had to learn that who I was at my core was a beautiful, wonderful thing. And I had to let go of any preconceived notion of earning attention or love.
It wasn’t easy. Jesus had to meet me in my deepest fears and coax me into the light. He had to speak over me words of love and value, reminding me that He made me exactly as I am, with my quirks and flaws, because it was what He delighted in. And ultimately I had to believe what He was saying was true, and I had to trust Him. After years of prayer, listening, worshipping, and praising Him for what He created- even when I didn’t feel it was true- I started to feel whole. I began to believe that who I am is enough, and that I don’t have to do or say anything to warrant love or relationship. I started acting on it. I relaxed and let people get to know me for me, not my accomplishments. And when they started wanting to spend time with me anyway, I knew I was growing. It’s still an occasional struggle, but the battle has already been won. I just have to live the victory now.
